So, Newcastle United. Talk to me about the Magpies and what must they do in order to pick up a Premier League victory? Things are getting desperate. Selling your soul to the devil desperate? Or hiring a private detective to locate and then re-sign Shola Ameobi on a Bosman desperate? Who knows. What we do know is that Steve McClaren is running out of time - and fast. Today, they welcome top-flight new boys Norwich City at St James' Park in their ninth league game of the season. Failure to win here and, well, McClaren might as well get on the horn to Satan and draw up the paperwork. Let's go.

If you haven't already guessed, then the Magpies aren't very good this season. Rock bottom of the Premier League, five points adrift of safety already in a deficit that will only continue to widen unless somebody grabs this crisis by the short and curlies. Problem is, it shows no sign of abating.

Yep, It's false dawn after false dawn with this mob so far. One week after battling to a 0-0 draw at Old Trafford, they lose 1-0 to Arsenal, with Aleksandar Mitrovic sent off after 16 minutes. One week after drawing 2-2 with champions Chelsea - a game in which they went 2-0 up and conceded twice in the final 11 minutes - they lose 6-1 at Manchester City, with Sergio Aguero scoring five goals. Oh, and just to rub it in, goalkeeper Tim Krul then goes and gets ruled out for, hmm, the entire season.

It never rains but it pours for a certain manager once dubbed the "wally with the brolly". But here's to hoping that sunnier days lie ahead for McClaren and Newcastle. At the moment, though, they're up a very well known creek without a paddle. Can they turn it around? Let's see what team McClaren has chose in order to spark a resurgence.

NEWCASTLE XI: Elliot; Janmaat, Coloccini, Mbemba, Dummett; Sissoko, Tiote, Colback, Wijnaldum; Perez, Mitrovic

NORWICH XI: Ruddy; Whittaker, Martin (c), Bassong, Olsson; Redmond, Dorrans, Tettey, Brady; Howson; Mbokani

NEWCASTLE SUBS: Lascelles, Woodman, Thauvin, Haidara, Cisse, De Jong

NORWICH SUBS: Wisdom, Jerome, Hoolahan, Jarvis, R Bennett, O'Neil

We'll start with Newcastle, because they're the hosts, and they could do with something going their way. So, no Krul as we mentioned, meaning that Rob Elliot deputises between the sticks. Left-back Kevin Mbabu also makes way for Paul Dummett. In midfield, a certain Cheick Tiote is back after a long absence. He replaces Vurnon Anita, while Ayoze Perez and Mitrovic continue up front.

Apologies to Norwich City fans, whose club hasn't got much air-time until now but, you know, Newcastle's woes must be addressed. We'll talk about your team now and we can confirm that Alex Neil makes three changes to the side that drew 1-1 with Bournemouth last time out. Cameron Jerome makes way for Dynamo Kiev loanee Dieumerci Mbokani up front. Defender Martin Olsson displaces Matt Jarvis, which allows Robbie Brady to take up a wing role. Elsewhere, Irishman Wes Hoolahan drops out for Nathan Redmond and that's your lot.

Is this or is it not the image of a man who would much rather be in a dark room, listening to Lou Reed's Perfect Day, than be in the Newcastle dugout this evening? We think so.

© Getty Images

Incidentally, Mr Neil looks quite like a young Grant Mitchell.

© Getty Images

We've seen the two men at the centre of this one, but before we crack on, have a quick listen of what the lads down at Sports Mole HQ had to say about this one.

Let's have a quick look at how Mitchell and the lads have got on so far on their return to the Premier League then.

Well, Norwich sit 15th in the table, five points clear of the relegation zone. Not bad, right? Right. Mitchell has overseen two victories so far - a 3-0 thumping of West Brom at Carrow Road, and a 3-1 win away to Sunderland on the second week of the season. They've done okay. Nothing brilliant. Nothing to suggest they're going to finish in the top four, but by the same token, there's nothing to suggest that they won't stay up this season.

STATS: We've spoken about the doom and gloom surrounding Newcastle's season, but chew on this folks: the Magpies are unbeaten in their last five top-flight meetings with Norwich, keeping four clean sheets along the way.

PREDICTION: In the words of someone who studies Mayan calendars, let's get a prediction horribly, horribly wrong. I'm on a draw here. 1-1? 2-2? 3-3? Nope - 0-0! I know. Not the most exciting of predictions, but there's been two bore draws in the last five meetings. Goals aren't expected. That's how it is folks.

Let's see what those good people of Twitter are saying about this one.

You have to wonder if Henry woke up from a two-month coma recently, by virtue of this shout.

I reckon Newcastle will score in the 1st 15minutes. Score prediction, 4-1. Perez, Mitro and Gini Wijnaldum on the scoresheet. #NUFC — HenryHcode (@HenryHcode) October 18, 2015

He may or may not end up being the owner of a correct prediction, but Skengman Chuck Bass certainly has the best Twitter name out there I feel.

prediction: Norwich 2-1 Newcastle ...United just don't look strong enough at the back and up top, midfield is strong af though 👌🏾 — Skengmän Chuck Bass (@Da_Black_German) October 18, 2015

Sorry, I think Chuck has already been dethroned by this fellow.

Hope Norwich smash Newcastle today

— Mitchell Surplice (@mitch_s_94) October 18, 2015

Well, they could bring us live pictures of a Narcoleptics Anonymous meeting?

Newcastle v Norwich. 'Super Sunday' this apparently. Sky couldn't find more of a snoozefest if they tried.

— Ross (@rossEFC95) October 18, 2015

Okay this is funny, but we'll have the last laugh.

Nothing screams 'Super Sunday' like Newcastle v Norwich

— Ryan (@Gibsterr) October 18, 2015

Three minutes to go. Will McClaren mastermind Newcastle's first win, or will Grant Mitchell and Norwich pile further misery on them? We'll know in just about two hour's time.

KICKOFF: We're off! The Canaries get us underway. Not many fancy a decent game here, but let's hope both teams prove them wrong.

Colback puts a little pressure on Norwich early doors as his deep free kick causes problems in the visitors' box, but City get the ball away.

Promising first five minutes or so from Newcastle. I mean, they haven't scored, or even come close, but they're comfortable. Robbie Brady, who has a sweet left foot, has thrown a few balls into the box, but nothing doing.

BOOKING: We haven't seen Tiote since New Year's Day, and the Ivorian has already been booked. Brady will whip this into the box...

But Rob Elliot, replacing the injured Tim Krul, gets his first touch as he comfortably collects. Good goalkeeping.

John Ruddy almost makes a costly error as his clearance is short, but Mitrovic can't punish him. Newcastle well on top.

Brilliant ball in by Dummett here but Bassong does just enough to keep it away from Mitrovic, who looked certain to pounce. Good defending.

Brilliant start by Newcastle and it's the summer signing Georgino Wiljanldum, who latches on to Sissoko's through ball before casually slotting past Ruddy. Good goal, but it was far too easy. Bassong gave the Dutch international an acre of space and he paid the penalty.

OFF THE POST! We said Brady has one of the sweetest left foots around, and he's just proven it. The Irishman takes aim from all of 30 yards, but his rifling shot cannons off the post. What a sucker punch that would've been for Newcastle.

It was coming, folks. The atmosphere at St James' Park is now flatter than a desk. Martin Olsson has an acre of space down the left-hand side, because Sissoko isn't bothered tracking back, and the Norwich defender drives a wonderful cross in for Mbokani, whose prods home the equaliser from close range.

So, can Newcastle regroup? They have to. There's about 50,000 Magpies fans who demand a win here, but they're so flat now. Norwich very much in control of this one.

Amazing scenes at St James' Park as the pendulum swings back in the Magpies' favour. It's another delicious cross from Sissoko and Wijnaldum gets the run on Martin on Martin to nod home his and United's second. Wow.

CLOSE! Wow. It's very, very nearly 2-2 as Tettey's header from a corner drifts toward the far post, but Howson, who has his shirt tugged by Janmaat, can't nod home from close range. Should've been a penalty if we're honest.

Norwich, to their credit, are unperturbed by that setback. They still look dangerous. Honestly, we could see a lot of goals this afternoon because neither defence is at the races it would seem.

This is just astonishing. Another brilliant ball from Olsson is brilliantly finished by Redmond at the back post to make it 3-2. Less than a minute earlier, Perez drilled Newcastle into a two-goal lead. The defending from both sides has been truly horrific. Jose Mourinho has already taken a sledgehammer to his television I think.

Good play from Mitrovic here as the Serbian's lay off is skied over the bar by Wijnaldum. If this finishes 3-2 I'll eat a bike, with somebody on it.

Four minutes left until the break and Newcastle look determined to add a fourth. With the way they've defended, they probably need to.

Wow. Okay. What a half. Two goals from Wijnaldum, either side of Mbokani's equaliser, gave the hosts a 2-1 lead. Perez drilled home a third for winless Newcastle, who let their two-goal lead slip about a minute lead when Redmond side-footed home a lifeline for Norwich. We've seen some quality but, really, it's been a defensive horror show. It's been ten minutes since we've seen a goal and I'm going out to my local park to score between a couple of jumpers and combat the withdrawal symptoms.

KICKOFF: We're back underway. Can the second half throw up similar fireworks? Probably not, but let's see.

Bassong gets a smack in the face from Mitrovic. He leaves the field after a bit of treatment, but he's on again now. He's been useless. I won't lie.

Jack Colback, the ginger Andrea Pirlo, curls a corner straight into the arms of John Ruddy. We haven't seen a goal yet. The withdrawal symptoms are coming back.

Nice passing move by Norwich as Dorrans's slingshot pass finds Redmond down the right, but his cross is crucially cut out by Coloccini, but the corner comes to nothing.

OFF THE LINE! From another corner, though, Wijnaldum is johnny on the spot to clear Bassong's header off the line. Norwich have their tails up.

Redmond is causing problems down that right-hand side as Anita is forced to concede another corner, with this one coming to nothing. The visitors are bossing this half.

Olsson has been brilliant in this half and he wins a free kick in a very promising position after being fouled by Janmaat. Redmond will drive it in...

.....nothing doing. Terrible by Redmond, who's been the best player in this half.

SUB: Norwich are going for this. Hoolahan replaces Alexander Tettey.

This is a briliant goal. Sissoko, who completes his hat-trick of assists, floats a beautiful cross in for Mitrovic, whose first-time chest controls the ball, and his second touch is superb as he fires a fine half-volley past Ruddy.

Job done. What a game this is. Wijnaldum completes his hat-trick as he nods Janmaat's cross past Ruddy. Game, set and match.

OFF THE POST! Redmond has been brilliant in this half, and he nearly has a second goal for his troubles as he drops the shoulder and fires a shot against the far post.

Norwich, to their credit, are not lying down. I mean, they won't get anything from this game except a lesson in how important defending is, but they're going down fighting.

Fifteen minutes to go. Will we see more goals? Probably. It's been that type of game. Seriously though - Norwich's defence makes me want to cry.

Ten minutes to go. It's petered out a little in recent minutes it has to be said. Still, we can't complain, can we? Of course not.

SUBS: Gary O'Neill and Cameron Jerome replace Martin Olsson and Graham Dorrans. Olsson has been brilliant.

Make that four for the Dutchman, who adds a sixth for his team with truly brilliant outside-of-the-box curler. What a display this is. What a game.

THREE MINUTES TO PLAY: You're almost there Norwich fans, don't worry.

Wow. What a way to kick off your Premier League campaign - even if it took nine games! Mr Wijnaldum only went and scored FOUR as Newcastle thumped Norwich 6-2. Yep, SIX! Scenes. Anywho, that's us. Thanks for joining our live text commentary and we'll see you next time.